When Something Between You Needs to Change

Most couples don't seek counselling because they've stopped caring about each other. They come because something between them has become increasingly difficult to resolve.

Perhaps you're having the same arguments again and again. One of you becomes angry while the other withdraws or shuts down. Small disagreements become much bigger than either of you intended. Resentment has built up. Communication has become difficult. Or perhaps you've simply reached the point where you don't know how to make things better.

Sometimes both people desperately want the relationship to work, but the way they react to each other keeps getting in the way.

For more than twenty-five years, relationship and couples counselling has been a major part of my work.

I've worked with couples experiencing anger, resentment, loss of trust, communication difficulties, affairs, separation and relationships that seemed to have reached breaking point.

Whatever has brought you here, the important question is what happens next.

The Argument Is Often Not the Real Problem

Couples can spend enormous amounts of time arguing about what happened, who started it, who said what and who was right.

But the subject of the argument isn't always the real problem.

What often causes the greatest damage is what happens between two people once they become emotionally triggered.

One person feels criticised, ignored, rejected or treated unfairly and reacts. The other person then reacts to that reaction. Very quickly, two people who may love each other can find themselves behaving like opponents.

Once that happens, resolving the original disagreement becomes much more difficult.

Before we can deal effectively with the problem between you, we often need to understand what keeps happening when you try to deal with it.

Why Do We Keep Having the Same Argument?

Many couples already know what they argue about.

What they don't understand is why they keep ending up in the same place.

You may both begin a conversation intending to stay calm, only to find yourselves repeating exactly the pattern you promised yourselves you wouldn't repeat.

That's because our responses to the people closest to us can become remarkably automatic.

A word, expression, tone of voice or behaviour can trigger something within us before we've had much opportunity to think about what is happening.

Then one reaction triggers another.

The problem is no longer just what you're arguing about. The way you're reacting to each other has become part of the problem.

Recognising that pattern gives us somewhere different to begin.

A Different Approach to Relationship Counselling

I don't see my role as simply providing a safe place for you to have the same arguments you have at home.

Nor am I there to decide who is right and who is wrong.

My approach is active, practical and focused on understanding what is actually happening between you.

We'll look at the difficulties that brought you to counselling, but we'll also look closely at what happens when those difficulties are discussed.

What triggers each of you?

What happens inside you?

How does one person's reaction affect the other?

And how does something that may have started relatively small become something much bigger?

When we can begin to see that process, we can start working with the relationship from a much more resourceful place.

We begin that work from our first session.

Anger in Relationships — AIR™

Anger is one of the most destructive forces I encounter in relationships.

I call this Anger in Relationships — AIR™.

Anger doesn't always mean shouting or aggression. It can appear as criticism, defensiveness, sarcasm, resentment, hostility, withdrawal, silence or continually bringing up things that happened in the past.

Sometimes one partner is visibly angry while the other withdraws. Sometimes both become angry. And sometimes the anger has become so familiar that neither person notices how much it is shaping the relationship.

The important thing is that we don't look only at the anger itself.

We look at what is happening beneath it and what keeps producing it between you.

When the anger and emotional reaction begin to settle, couples are often in a much better position to deal with the actual issue that needs resolving.

You don't have to agree about everything. But you do need to be able to disagree without destroying the relationship in the process.

We Work With Your Relationship

I don't believe relationship counselling should be a one-size-fits-all process.

Every relationship has its own history, pressures, difficulties and strengths.

We work with your relationship and the problems you are actually experiencing.

That might involve repeated arguments, anger, resentment, loss of trust, communication difficulties, emotional distance or a major event that has changed the relationship.

My job isn't to tell you whether you should stay together or separate.

My job is to help you understand what is happening between you clearly enough that you can begin making better decisions and responding to each other differently.

Couples — and Individuals

Most relationship work involves seeing a couple together, but there are circumstances where someone comes to see me individually about a relationship difficulty.

You don't necessarily need your partner's agreement to begin understanding your own reactions and your part in the pattern.

Changing one person's response can sometimes change what happens next between two people.

Where appropriate, we can discuss whether working together as a couple would be helpful.

More Than Better Communication

Communication matters, but simply learning better words isn't always enough.

Two people can know perfectly well how they should communicate and still find themselves shouting, withdrawing, defending themselves or saying things they later regret when emotions take over.

That's why my work goes beneath communication techniques.

We look at what makes communication break down in the first place.

The aim isn't a relationship without disagreement. That's neither realistic nor necessary.

The aim is to help you deal with disagreement without repeatedly becoming trapped in reactions that damage the relationship.

When the reaction changes, the conversation can change. And when the conversation changes, something different becomes possible between you.

Taking the First Step

If you're having the same arguments repeatedly, living with anger or resentment, struggling to communicate or wondering whether your relationship can continue as it is, you don't have to have all the answers before coming to counselling.

That's what the work is for.

The first step is simply to get in touch and tell me briefly what has been happening.

Book Your Initial Session

You don't need a preliminary consultation or a lengthy conversation about whether you should begin. Your initial session is a full one-hour working session at £100. We'll begin with what's happening in your life, what you would like to change and what appears to be driving the pattern. We won't spend the hour discussing what we might do at some point in the future. We'll get down to work right away. After that session, you decide whether you would like another one. There is no obligation to continue and no predetermined number of sessions you have to complete. I look forward to meeting and working with you.

© 2026 Gary Redmond